I am pleased to announce that Turkana Farms has officially entered a new phase. Today we become the Turkana Farms Livestock Education and Protection Fund (TFLEPF). Now that the legalities have been finalized, I can explain how we evolved to our new structure and mission.

As I mentioned last week, our back pastures have since January become home to a herd of beautiful Red Devon cattle. They belong to Hover Farms, a nearby sixth generation family farm. Why would I invite another farm’s animals to graze here? Taxes. New York State assigns an Agricultural Assessment value to farmlands, which varies by soil type and is adjusted very year. If your land qualifies, it is taxed according to that value rather than its full market value. A so-called “ag assessment” makes farming more economically viable by saving a bundle on farm property tax bills.

To qualify, you have to generate at least $10,000 a year in revenue from agricultural products. But if your property doesn’t generate the full $10,000 on its own, it can qualify for the assessment if it is leased to another farmer whose home farm does generate enough. As I contemplated cutting back the scale of my operation to something I could manage myself, I was concerned that I might not continue to meet the revenue threshold, so I leased my unused pastures to Hover Farms.

But then, once the cattle arrived I thought, “Why stop there? Why should I pay any property taxes?” Thus was born TFLEPF, a nonprofit organization that, like churches and universities, would be totally exempt from property tax. This farm has never made a profit, I reminded myself. Why not recognize that fact and take full advantage of it?

Now a foundation needs a clear mission and charitable purpose, so I had to come up with one. Here, my year of solo pandemic farming came in handy, giving me a great deal to think about and many an hour to chat with the animals concerning my thoughts. For example, “Hello Sophie,” I would say. “Why do you squat and urinate whenever I enter the barn?” She has never directly responded to that question, but eventually I came to understand what Sophie was trying to tell me: that she was not in the least embarrassed by her public urination habit.

From this and many similar interactions, it suddenly struck me that what farm critters really need is higher behavioral standards, to more comfortably fit in an environment created by humans. Oddly, this is not a concern addressed by existing non-profits that work with animals, such as animal sanctuaries. Yet I don’t think that farm livestock will ever be fully respected if they do not develop a proper code of manners. It became clear to me that the mission of my non-profit should be to develop ways to promote in livestock a sense of decorum and dignity.

My first steps to carry out this mission were tentative. The rooster, I thought, should be more respectful of the hens. He should not just “jump them and hump them”. Instead, I wanted him to take a more seductive approach. Through judicious use of grain treats, I have tried to teach him to display his tail feathers like a tom turkey does, so that it becomes the hen’s choice and desire to copulate. We’re not there yet, but we’re working on it.

With the pigs, I focused first on culinary etiquette. You all know that expression, “eat like a pig” — to devour food voraciously rather than appreciate it with delicacy. To combat that, I stopped mixing up all sorts of food scraps in the pigs’ trough, and started serving their food in courses. First, the left-over salad greens, followed by a main course of grain, followed by a dessert of melon rinds, apple cores and the seedy glop from the center of the pumpkin. I encouraged Possum and Vernon to slow down and savor their food. They have slowed down, but I’m not sure if it is better manners or just because I am doling the food out more slowly.

As to the sheep, it seemed to me they would gain the greatest dignity if they were toilet trained, or at least if they urinated and defecated out of sight, northwest of the barn, instead of everywhere and anywhere in full public view. If I saw them start to pee or poop in the wrong place, I would gently push them to the right place until they got the picture. Here, I finally made real progress. They learned. And with that success, I knew my concept for a nonprofit foundation was solid. I went ahead with my farm accountant to create TFLEPF. I am now ready to forge new paths toward civilizing livestock behavior.

I know there are significant challenges to achieving TFLEPF’s goals. These animals are smart but they can, like humans, be strongly resistant to reason and may indulge in magical thinking. You all remember Q-Anon, the cult whose members expected a messiah named Q to appear on January 6, to arrest leading Democrats and take over the government. Among the more stubborn sheep, I have perceived a parallel movement, P-in-Public, which clearly anticipates a messiah named P will deliver them from the tyranny of human domination, so that they may once again simply, as they have always done, pee in public. As a Jew whose people have waited thousands of years for the Messiah to arrive, I will endeavor to teach them that messianic expectations are not always instantly fulfilled.

Perhaps you suspect that TFLEPF is the fevered product of a mind that has spent too much time spinning on its own. Or maybe you think the mission is a fool’s errand. But wouldn’t that be appropriate for an organization launched on a day called April Fools?

WHAT’S NEW THIS WEEK

Happy Easter. Spring is a time of holidays of rebirth. Christians celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus. Jews celebrate their rebirth as a nation. Fittingly, Turkana Farms is reborn too, as described below.

We continue to be afloat in eggs. And the first greens of the season, sorrel and garlic chives, are up. By next week, we will have both for sale.

WHAT’S AVAILABLE THIS WEEK

Cheese pumpkins, $1/lb

EGGS: production has doubled, feel free to order, $5/doz

FRESH HORSERADISH, $3/lb

CHICKENS: They were quite uniform in size, all just around 6 lbs, a few under. These freedom rangers have been what you want them to be, deeply flavorful. $6/lb, frozen. Separately, bags of chicken livers, also $6/lb.

FARM PICKUPS:
Email us your order at farm@turkanafarms.com, and let us know when you’d like to pick up your order. It will be put out for you on the side screened porch of the farmhouse (110 Lasher Ave., Germantown) in a bag. You can leave cash or a check in the now famous pineapple on the porch table. Because I’m now here full time, we’re abandoning regular pick-up times. Let us know when you want your order any day between 10 and 5, and unless there are unusual circumstances we’ll be able to ready it to your convenience. If you have questions, don’t hesitate to call or text at 917-544-6464 or email.

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